A year ago today, I found out I was pregnant. I'm sure I felt the expected mixture of emotions: joy, fear, excitement, anxiety. But, because I needed time to process, and because we would be spending the Thanksgiving holiday in OK with M's family, I decided to wait to tell M until after the holiday. That's the feeling I remember most of all - having this HUGE secret on the tip of my tongue for a week and not saying anything to anyone about it. When I finally told M that we were having a baby, the weight of what we were embarking upon fell fast and heavy on my heart.
Baby J is now almost 4 months old. When he was only a few a weeks old, maybe one month, I realized that I had conditioned him to only fall asleep when I was holding him in my arms, on top of my chest, laying right over my heart. All these weeks later, the only thing that has changed is how heavy he feels when I am holding him. Unfortunately, his heavier little body has wreaked havoc on my left side, all the way from my neck and shoulder, down to my elbow and wrist. But it's totally worth it.
He was worth the wait of a few months for us to get pregnant. I recognize now how blessed we were to be able to start having children right away. The impatience that I felt then seems silly now. No matter how long the wait, though, the blessing is always worth it.
He was worth the emotional weight I felt while I was pregnant. I spent many days and nights worrying about finances and security and being a good mother. The truth, of course, was that I was scared out of my mind to have a baby. But all of the tears and fears were worth it when he was finally here.
He was worth the physical weight I gained while I was pregnant. The swelling and water retention were out of control, but thankfully I was still able to move my body and be productive. He was healthy, I was healthy, so it was all worth it. (I'm not gonna lie - I am struggling to lose that weight, and most days I hardly recognize myself. But, again, he's worth it. The pounds will come and go, but he is forever.)
He is worth the weight I feel now, every day and every night. I would not trade his tired little body on my shoulder every night for anything. I would not trade the love I feel bursting out of my heart when I see his little smile, hear his little laugh. I would not trade the sleepless nights, the stressful days, the frustrating moments. He is worth everything because he is my everything.