the new normal

in the past week, i've had a few people comment how nice it is to see me "getting back to normal."

at first, i agreed with their well-intentioned observation. the hurt doesn't hurt as much as it once did. the tears don't come as often as they once did. a smile comes more easily than it once did. but the more i think about what it means to be or feel "normal," the more i have to reconsider my concurrence.

normal has always been a relative term, but i've come to realize that each experience in life - especially the hard ones - creates a new normal.  after going through something like this, there is no going back to the old normal, no going back to the way things used to be.  there is only a new normal.  a new way of trying to function each day.  a new way of seeing and understanding the world.  a new way of remembering and letting go at the same time.

for now, this is my new normal:
always exhausted, emotionally and physically.
always playing catching-up.
always wondering if i'm doing it all right or all wrong.
always battling with myself.
always thinking and questioning.
always hoping and praying.

always missing him.