Our Baby Boy

Today was my official due date.  Obviously, someone else had other plans.

Last Saturday was quite possibly the most perfect day for Mitchell and I.  We were together all day long, getting ready for new baby's arrival, which we had thought would most likely be on Monday.  We cleaned the house inside and out, went on last minute shopping trips, worked hard and laughed a lot.  Looking back it was a precious gift from above to have that last day together, just the two of us.

Around 11:00 pm, we still had a few things to finish up before calling it a night, but I was so exhausted that I told M I had to lay down and put my feet up for a bit.  No more than ten minutes later, I bolted off the bed and ran (well, waddled) to the bathroom.  With no warning, no labor pains, no contractions, my water had broke.  Truly one of the weirdest sensations.  I stared wide-eyed at M, and he asked, "What does this mean?"  I replied, "I think it means we are going to hospital."

Three hours later, I was lying on a hospital bed, being told that our baby was still in a breeched position, so we would be having a C-section as soon as the doctor arrived.  With the flurry of nurses and anesthesiologists going in and out of the room (and M losing the battle to exhaustion on the sofa chair), I wasn't really able to process what was happening until our doctor finally appeared, scrubbed up and ready to perform major surgery.  I looked at him and requested five minutes alone with my husband.  Everyone left the room, I turned to Mitchell, and then I lost it.  It was all happening way too fast, and it definitely wasn't supposed to happen this way.  After calming me down, M said a prayer for us, and we were ready to go.

I was led into the operating room, given a spinal anesthetic, lain down on the table, and told to breathe and not worry.  After the curtain went up, M was brought in and stayed with me the whole time.

At 3:23 am, we heard our baby boy's first cries.  It was the most beautiful sound in the world.  As the nurses cleaned him off, I told M to go be with our son.  They brought him over to me to hold, but with all of the tubes and cuffs attached to my arms, I wasn't able to fully embrace him.  A short time later, the curtain came down, I was transferred to a bed, and before we were wheeled into the recovery room, I was able to really hold my baby boy for the first time.  He was perfect.

In four short hours, we had gone from just the two of us to a family of three.

The next few days in the hospital were equal parts pain and joy.  Actually, since coming home on Wednesday, it's still a mix of pain and joy.  I've been told the pain will last a few more weeks, with a full(?) recovery in six to eight weeks.

The joy, though… oh the joy!  That will last an eternity.

We are so happy to be home, and we are so grateful for wonderful family and friends who continue to support us.  We are humbled by your love and service.

We love our baby boy "with so much of [our] heart[s] that none is left to protest."

Jackson Romney Ryan

Showered

As sappy as this sounds, I know why they call them "showers."  The outpouring of love and friendship is overwhelming.  The gifts are great, but more importantly I am so grateful to have strong, beautiful, and amazing women in my life.  And while I am slightly scared to death of becoming a "mother," I have no doubt that I'll be able to figure it out with the help of so many excellent examples all around me.  The best of which is, of course, my own loving mother.  A friend told me today that her and I are exactly alike - same mannerisms, same voice, same laugh.  No greater compliment.

Much love to all our friends and family who have supported M and I during this first year of marriage, and now as we prepare for our first year of parenthood.  We can't wait for Baby Jackson to be finally be here!

An Easter Quiche

In the days leading up to today's holiday, I've been thinking about family traditions for Easter. Growing up, we didn't do the basket and bunny thing.  Yes, I know we dyed eggs during the week, maybe went shopping for a new dress and had a nice family dinner the day of, but we didn't have Easter Sunday morning egg hunts or baskets full of candy and toys.  And I was/am okay with that.

Now that I am starting my own family, though, I've been wondering what sort of holiday traditions Mitchell and I will have with our kids.  In an effort to be a little more home-maker-y, I decided that I would make breakfast for us this morning before going to church (Our typical Sunday mornings consist of Mitchell getting up around 6:00am to get ready and prepare for church leaderships meetings that begin at 7:30.  Since actual church doesn't start until 10:00, I am still fast asleep when he leaves.  Therefore, we never eat breakfast together on Sunday mornings, ergo I was trying to make today a special day.).  I had it all planned out: a spinach quiche with a side of bacon and freshly cut fruit.  A glass of coconut milk for him, a glass of orange juice for me.  Maybe some buttered toast, as well. It was going to be a beautiful moment, the start of a beautiful family tradition, sitting together at the table enjoying our Easter quiche breakfast.

That was the hope and dream.  Here was the reality:  I had to be at the church this morning to practice a song at 8:00.  Mitchell had a meeting at 8:30.  I finally got out of bed at 6:20, showered, dried my hair, got half dressed, then went downstairs to make the quiche.  The side of bacon was quickly abandoned when I put the quiche in the oven at 7:15 and knew I still had to finish getting ready.  When I had a wardrobe malfunction, the freshly cut fruit was replaced with a banana.  The timer on the oven went off, but the quiche needed another five minutes.  It was 7:45 and Mitchell still wasn't dressed.  At 7:50, I took the quiche out of the oven, eyed it suspiciously and very hesitantly cut myself a slice.  After the first bite, I knew that it had been a failure.  Shrugging my shoulders, I put the whole thing back in the oven to keep it warm, then called upstairs to Mitchell to let him know I was leaving and that if he wanted to try what I made, it was in the oven.  Otherwise, he should probably just grab a banana and a PowerBar on his way out the door.

So there you have it.  My first attempt at an Easter family tradition was a complete and total failure.  But here's the best part…

As I was sitting in Sacrament Meeting today, where I participated in a women's musical number and also sang in the choir, I realized that today is not about quiches.  It is not about baskets and bunnies.  It is not about trying to keep up with or out-do the Jones' and all their crafty Easter traditions.  Today is about celebrating the miracle of the Atonement and the Resurrection of our Savior, Jesus Christ.  Today is about being thankful for my many blessings - for my marriage to Mitchell, for Baby Jackson who will be here before we know it, and for the wonder of the gospel in my life.

I know that Jesus is the Christ, the Son of God.  I know that He suffered and died for the sins and pains of all.  I know that He was resurrected and lives today.  I know that it is only through Him that we are able to return to live with our Heavenly Father and our families for eternity.

And I know that no amount of ruined Easter quiches will ever take this testimony away from me.

i really miss sleeping on my stomach

oh, baby.  we went to the doctor yesterday with the hope we would finally know what to call you, but no joy.  already an obstinate child, you refused to move your legs so the doctor could get a good look.  she gave us a very tentative "GIRL," but there were about ten question marks behind that word.  so, we are forced to wait another four weeks to know for sure.

other than your extreme shyness, everything was healthy and normal.

people ask me how i'm doing, and so far i've been doing great.  i had one short bout of "sickness," but nothing horrible.  i'm tired, of course, but then again i'm always tired during the school year.  my students have seen me in the same black skirt and black dress for the past couple of months, because those are the only two articles of clothing that actually fit me right now.  i'm considering submitting a request to my principal to allow me to wear yoga pants for the rest of the year, but i have a feeling that request would be denied.  sleeping is becoming a bit of a challenge.  between getting up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, and my limited sleeping position options (i really do miss sleeping on my stomach), mornings are not my favorite part of the day.  i'm loving the food benefits of being pregnant, though.  i simply have to say, "baby really wants pizza tonight" and poof! we eat pizza for dinner!

overall, though, the past 19 weeks have been a bit of a blur.  obviously, i know you are real and will be here before we know it, but it still doesn't feel REAL.  with all the other "stuff" we have going on in our lives right now (work stresses, money challenges, house chores, church responsibilities, personal improvements), i haven't had time to really stop and think about how i feel about you.  of course, i'm excited and happy… but i'm also scared and worried and exhausted.  i think part of it is that we still don't know who you will be (so move your legs, please!), but there's something else i don't how to explain.

you're real, but still not REAL.  i don't know when that will happen, but when it does, i'll only love you more.

Good Grief

Dear Z:

Two years ago you left this temporary home for your eternal one.  Pain has been replaced by peace, anger with happiness, confusion with understanding.  It truly is amazing what prayer, time and faith can do for a broken heart.

I still remember very clearly walking into your parents' house that afternoon and finding sisters from the ward there, already packing up your clothes and your gear and your things and your room, all the physical reminders of your life.  Still in shock, I wanted to yell at them to put it all down, that it wasn't real.

But of course, it was real.  It was very real for your family and your friends.

I found it fitting that this month's issue of the Ensign included an article entitled, "The Healing Power of Grief":

"Grief is the emotional, and often physical, response we have when we experience loss. The more profound the loss, the more profound the grief will be. Grief can involve virtually every emotion or can leave us feeling numb and disconnected from the world around us.

Manifestations of grief may include hopelessness, anxiety, anger, denial, guilt, incapacitating fatigue, difficulty in controlling emotions, lack of concentration, loss of interest in people or activities, and feelings of being overwhelmed...

Grief hurts, but it can be the salve that helps us heal when it is allowed to do its work appropriately. The first step in handling grief is to recognize that the pain is a normal part of the process. It needs to be acknowledged, not avoided...

Grieving is not a brief process. Be patient with it and give it time. As with a physical wound, the pain of losing a loved one requires time to heal...

Some nights are much longer than others, but the morning always follows. Death brings deep sorrow, but our joy will exceed our ability to comprehend when our reunion with deceased loved ones finally comes. Yet peace is not reserved for the next life only; we can feel peace now, even in the very moment we are feeling pain. How thankful we can be for the sacrifice of our Savior and the healing power His Atonement can bring us in spite of our grief. “Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning” (Psalm 30:5)."

I know my grief was different than others' grief.  Every person's grief is personal, though.  I grieved for your passing.  I grieved for your mother and father, for your sisters and brother.  I grieved for your family and friends.  But that grief brought healing and understanding and a stronger testimony.

I am grateful that our paths crossed for a short time, and I am grateful for the grief that eventually turned into peace and joy.

With love,

K

Why don't more people like us?

This past week I was at my parents' house, admiring all of the Christmas and holiday cards they have received from family and friends. Of course, after 35 years of married life you would expect the number of cards taped to the pantry door, on display for all to see.   But it got me thinking…

We've only received, like, four cards this year.  Why don't more people like us?

My question was answered when we finally checked our mailbox today for the first time in probably two three weeks.  After discarding the usual trash, we discovered a mound of Christmas cards, just waiting to be opened and taped to the door, on display for all to see.

Am I aware that Christmas is technically over and by now many people have started to take down all signs of this most festive of holidays?  Of course.  Is that going to stop me from displaying Christmas cards from beloved family members and friends for at least the next week (who am I kidding, it will be at least a month)?  Of course not.

Hoping you and yours had a wonderful Christmas holiday!  M and I loved spending the day with both of our families and are so grateful for the love and support of family and friends.  

(Yes, yes.  We realize that we should probably check our mail more often.  I'm sure our mailman thinks we are always on vacation.  Ha!  If only…)

bad weather days are ruining my life

school has already been cancelled for tomorrow.  that's three school days in a row.  five days total that i've been home, either trapped by ice or stuck working on stuff.

now, being at home for bad weather days is different than being at home for a holiday break.  holiday break days, i know i'm supposed to be doing nothing because, hey! i'm on vacation!

but bad weather days, you expect it to be just the one day, so you think all of the lesson plans you have made will still be okay, no need to tweak things too much.  but then it turns into two days, so you readjust some more, combining lessons and changing a few due dates.  and then it becomes three days!  now what am i supposed to do?! drop entire lessons and change all the due dates?

the next week and half of school are going to be rough.  after a five-day weekend, the kids are already on holiday break.  i know exactly how the conversations and excuses will go when we get back on wednesday (fingers crossed!):

"but mrs. ryan, i don't remember any of this stuff, it was so long ago!"
"can we just have a movie day? we only have like a week left anyway."
"we should just have a nap day."
"you mean we still have to write the entire essay/read the entire book?"

argh.  one bad weather day was enough.  two was pushing it.  but three?  now i'm just complaining.  and no one likes a complainer.

everything is ruined.

(RE: can i get extra pony points for wanting to go back to work so badly?)