Favorite Cookies: An Observation

We all know it, so there’s no use in denying it: Flirting, Dating, Courting – whatever you want to call it – it’s a cruel, cruel game that we all have to play in order to get to the good (or rather, better) stuff – Marriage, Family, Eternal Progression, Perfection and Exaltation, yadda, yadda, yadda.

As I’ve mentioned before, playing this game is a fine art. It takes courage. It takes determination. It takes a willingness to endure many, many hours of awkward and uncomfortable young single adult activities and dances. It takes skills – both of the personal and social variety. It takes a working knowledge of how to interact with the opposite gender – how to approach them, and then how to isolate a desired target for a little more one-on-one face time. It also requires a sincere, honest and concentrated effort from both the guy and the girl. It is to this last point – a sincere, honest and concentrated effort from both parties – that I would like to address my thoughts. And more specifically, to the young men in the audience who seem to have forgotten that they have a role to play, too, in this little dance we call dating…

I recently overheard a comment made by a guy friend who was holding court with a gaggle of female admirers. The girls clearly enjoyed his presence, and he clearly enjoyed the attention. Not a bad thing, by any means – it’s all part of the game = girls and guys interacting with each other, laughing and talking together.

His comment, however, was as follows:

“So my favorite cookies are [X]. You can make them for me anytime.”

The thoughts running through my head at the time:

Seriously? I can make you your favorite cookies anytime? And bring them to you? Really?! I get to do all the work while you sit there and do nothing more than enjoy the fruits of my hard labor? I get to cook and bake for you and feed you and bring you treats and shower you with attention? Really? I can do that for you?! And what do I get in return? Nothing?! Yippee!! Sign me up for that relationship!!

Note the heavy sarcasm? Good. We’re all on the same page.

I’m not going to delve into the Dating vs. Hanging Out issue. I’m pretty sure you can guess my thoughts on that one.

What I do want to discuss though, is this: Remember the time, circa Jane Austen (and don’t you dare roll your eyes at me – of course I’m going to invoke her name when talking about dating and courting), when the young ladies were expected to be ladies: demure, accomplished, pleasant, virtuous, maybe a little coy and mysterious, but never overly flirtatious or suggestive, never scandalous or suspected of having a ruined reputation (and yes, I’m channeling Pride and Prejudice right now). The young men were expected to be men: agreeable, handsome, intelligent, strong, kind, able to provide for a wife and family. The young lady stayed at home, perfecting her needlework and practicing the pianoforte, while it was the duty of the young man to come calling on the lady so that they might get to know one another better, engage in lively conversations, attend dances together, exchange tokens of their affection… and of course they fall in love and since we’ve all either read the book or seen the movie, we know the happy ending is inevitable.

Back to my point! In the above scenario, the impetus to begin a relationship and a subsequent courtship is on the man. By virtue of the social conventions of the day, it would be distasteful for a young lady to call upon a gentleman suitor without a proper invitation or prior arrangement. I am not suggesting that we adopt the social standards and ideologies of the 1800s, but there is a lesson to be learned here.

Somehow, in the past several decades, it seems that the bulk of the responsibility to begin a relationship and a subsequent courtship has been removed from the shoulders of the men and given to the women. The guys just seem to sit there and wait for the girls to come to them. And the girls fight each other whitened-tooth and manicured-nail for the good ones. We are trying so hard to impress you guys, trying so hard to be noticed by anyone of real quality. We offer to make dinner for you. We awkwardly flirt with you. We accept last-minute requests on Friday night to come over and watch a movie (aka “hang out”), not realizing that the only reason you called us was because you were bored and wanted to be entertained and had already called three other girls and we just happened to be the next one down on the list. We scheme and strategize and plan, and yes, obsess and maybe sometimes even stalk, all so that we can better our chance of having you notice us, or sit next to us, or finally get the hint that we would like it if you would condescend to ask us out on a date.

And the sad thing is, it seems that the guys have come to expect this. They are content to sit there and make the girls come to them. And once they've flirted shamelessly with every breathing girl in the room, convincing half of them that he is interested, he might decide to actually chose the one who is most to his liking. Or he might not choose any at all. As evidenced by my friend’s comment – “My favorite cookies are [X]. You can make them for me anytime.” This comment tells me that the guy expects you, the girl, to show him special attention, that he will gladly accept your advances (in the form of food or your pleasant company or otherwise), but is there any guarantee that he will reciprocate the attention and the effort?

Guys – How about instead of YOU telling the girl what YOUR favorite cookies are and letting her know that she can make them for YOU anytime, you ask the GIRL what HER favorite cookies are and let HER know that you will make them for HER anytime. See the difference? See how that changes the dynamics of the relationship?

Don’t know how to make cookies? EVEN BETTER. Suggest that you make them TOGETHER.

But don’t get fixated on just cookies. There are many other food groups out there that we girls like to prepare and consume.

I guess this isn’t so much an observation as it is a plea to all single males to MAN UP. Or, since I’m a Texan, COWBOY UP. Don’t just sit there and wait for the girls to come to you. Don’t expect the girls to fawn over you and offer to feed you. Take the initiative and offer to feed the girl. Don’t expect that we will jump at the chance to hang out with you at the last minute. Spend a little time and effort and actually have a plan when you call a girl and ask her out. (And it should go without saying, but for those who are a little slow on the uptake, I’ll say it anyway: PICK THE GIRL UP FROM HER HOUSE.)

Will every adventure in dating be successful? Of course not. So why go through the effort, you may ask? Because it’s worth it. It’s worth it to have fun with another person and have that human interaction. It’s worth it to get to know someone and what they have to offer. It’s worth it to show someone that you respect them enough to be kind and agreeable and thoughtful and intelligent. It’s worth it because one of those adventures will result in the real thing.

And, guys, I know that if you make the sincere, honest and concentrated effort to begin a relationship, the girl, if it’s right, will reciprocate ten-fold. I truly believe that inside every girl is the Perfect Girlfriend, just waiting to come out when she meets the Perfect Boyfriend. And she will be more than willing to make him his favorite cookies anytime.

And what are my favorite cookies, you might ask? Cowboy up and find out...

Boy 1 vs. Boy 2: An Observation

This past weekend I attended the Young Single Adult (read Young Single and Awkward) Conference in Ft. Worth. I actually had a great time - it was very well organized, the workshops were well planned and presented, the fireside with President Uchtdorf was amazing. The food offerings left something to be desired, but I'm not complaining. And of course the best part of the weekend was the fact that there were 20 girls from the Mount Bonnell Relief Society crashing at my house. I will admit at times I felt like a Cruise Director/Hotel Manager, making sure everyone was taken care of, that everyone knew where they were going, that everyone had a place to sleep, that everyone knew how the shower worked, that everyone knew that there was food and bottled water in the kitchen in case they got hungry or thirsty, that everyone had a chance to eat breakfast, that everyone had made themselves a sack lunch... I also felt like a mother waiting for her teenagers to get home from a party as I stayed up late on Friday and Saturday night, waiting for everyone to get home alright from the conference. Seriously, waiting up until 2 am, sitting in the front room, reading a book by lamplight, checking my phone every five minutes, worried that a car-full of girls is either lost or stuck in a ditch somewhere along I-35 - kind of stressful!

Overall, it was a great weekend. I was grateful to have the opportunity to attend and receive new insights and meet new people.

Speaking of meeting new people, I had an epiphany yesterday. It goes a little something like this...

On Friday night, there was a mix & mingle activity at the stake center – registration, food, basketball, volleyball, service projects. It was extremely crowded and since I am not a huge fan of large-group sports, I situated myself against the wall and settled in for a night of people watching. Imagine my surprise when a guy standing next to me (we will call him Boy 1) introduced himself and then started talking to me. He was very nice, very talkative, but our conversation was basically a Q&A: what do you do, where do you go to school, what are your hobbies, what kind of music do you like, what are your favorite movies, etc. We talked for a good 20 minutes, going back and forth with these types of questions and I guess you could say I got to know him on some basic level.

After we had been talking for some time, Boy 1 politely excused himself to go find his friend. Imagine my surprise when yet another guy approached me and began a conversation. (It was a very surprising evening – guys don’t usually talk to me!) Boy 2 immediately began joking around, bringing up random topics, basically taking all of the awkwardness out of the situation. And it wasn’t a Q&A conversation; it was more of a story time. We did get to topics like what do you do for a living and such, but it was only in passing as were discussing other things.

As I now sit back and think about this weekend I can honestly say that I know more about Boy 2 than I do about Boy 1 (and visa versa – Boy 2 knows more about me than Boy 1 does) because of the way they approached the whole "getting to know you" phase of a relationship. Boy 1 might know more about what I am (I am a person that listens to Breaking Benjamin), but Boy 2 knows more about who I am (I am a person who can appreciate a good joke when you show up at my house at 1:00 in the morning).

My epiphany, then, is that talking to the opposite gender and getting to know them better is a fine art and some guys get it and some guys don't. I can only hope that we, as girls, can also get it and not waste time with the Q&A and get straight to the fun part. There will always be time to fill in the blanks later.