Tuesday, May 7

please forgive me.

this won't be as articulate as i want it to be, 1) because it's really late, and 2) because it's something i am still trying to understand myself.

the more time i spend with mitchell, the more i realize how incredibly far from even remotely perfect (or in other words, like the Savior) i am.

one of the biggest surprises of this whole engagement period is how obvious all of my weaknesses and character flaws have become to me. i am seeing a side of myself that i never knew existed: i am serious to a fault, i easily take offense where none is given, i am quick to anger, i am prideful in thinking that my way is the only and best way.   i have learned that it is only through being with and loving someone else that you can truly improve and progress in these areas.

with the realization of these character flaws, though, has come an even greater lesson in humility and forgiveness. whenever i think i am justified in my frustration or anger, i am immediately chastised into understanding that the fault also lies with me.  i need to change, too.  i need to ask for forgiveness, not expect others (ie: mitchell) to ask for it.

along with asking for forgiveness, i have also developed a deep need to receive it.  i will never forget an experience while we were dating:  one particular evening, for reasons that are irrelevant now, i became extremely upset with mitchell.  it took me quite a few hours to realize that my anger was unfounded, unproductive and ultimately pointless.  he had done nothing wrong, just a classic case of me being easily offended.  he didn't even know i was angry, but i still felt an overwhelming need to ask for his forgiveness,  the first time i had ever felt the need to do so.  the entire next day a knot resided in the base of my throat that i knew wouldn't go away until i had apologized for being angry with him and asked for his forgiveness.

despite all of my imperfections, mitchell continues to be very patient and kind, which just makes me love him even more. with only 38 days till the wedding, i am beginning to understand how marriage survives all of the trials and struggles of life: love, faith, prayer, communication, humility and forgiveness.  lots of forgiveness.

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