"Everything was beautiful, and nothing hurt."
(Slaughterhouse-Five, by Kurt Vonnegut)
I don't know why, but this quote is really resonating with my soul right now.
I think it's because I wish this were how I felt... but sadly I do not. There are areas of my life that are beautiful, blessings for which I am eternally grateful. But there are also areas that are not so beautiful. Areas that definitely need more attention and dedication than I am currently able to give.
And hurt is a funny thing. That first night after Z passed away, I remember sobbing for hours, finally falling asleep only after I had put some of my thoughts and feelings down in words. I woke up two hours later and continued my sobbing, unable to fully comprehend what had happened, frightened by the pain of loss. At the time, I made the foolish assumption that the hurt I was feeling then was the worst it was going to get. If I had known that night that I had not even begun to feel even a fraction of the hurt that was to come, I probably would have raised the white flag then and there. I had no point of reference, no precedent for how to deal with what I was feeling. It's been fourteen weeks (that's another funny thing, the way you measure time - days, weeks, months - after a devastating loss... but that's a topic for another post), and I think the worst of the hurt really has passed, but the hurt itself is a constant in my life. Some days it's a sharp, heavy hurt; other days it's a dull, gentle hurt. Either way, it's always there.
I wish everything were beautiful in my life right now. I wish nothing hurt. But I suppose that is the great challenge of life: to create beauty, to be more than your hurt. To build a beautiful life out of the ruins that hurt leaves behind.
Because in the end, overcoming the hurt is what makes everything beautiful.