one month of loss.

i started this post last night but wasn't able to finish it.  so, a day late...

four weeks ago, i was getting ready for church in the morning when there was a knock on my bedroom door.  both of my parents stood there with serious looks on their faces.  they told me to sit down, that they had to tell me something.  i can't remember their exact words, but i do remember feeling as if i had broken in half.  i remember sobbing.  i remember shaking.  i remember not being able to form words.  i remember feeling lost and confused and angry.  i remember sitting on the edge of my bed for hours, not being able to process or understand.  i remember taking a walk with a friend, frequently doubling over in pain as more sobs racked my body.  i remember sitting on the living room couch for an hour, staring out the window.  i remember feeling numb.  i remember going over to his house that afternoon to see his mother.  i remember embracing her and sobbing together.  i remember sitting on the floor in his room, trying to memorize the smell of his clothes.  i remember thinking about all of the late-nights we had spent in that very same room, sitting on the floor and talking.  i remember seeing his sister that evening.  i remember embracing her and sobbing together.  i remember going back to the house with her to help her pack.  i remember her and i driving back to my house for the night.  i remember kneeling by my bedside, sobbing.  i remember being unable to find any kind of rest until i had written down something about what had happened.  i remember waking up two hours later, sobbing.  i remember eventually falling asleep again.  i remember...

the past four weeks have gone by both incredibly fast and excruciatingly slow.  it's been one painful, emotional blur, but i can remember almost every detail, each and every sleepless, sob-filled night.  writing is the one thing that has helped me hold myself together.  so i apologize for the overly personal blog posts as of late, but it's the best i've got right now, besides a complete and total emotional breakdown.

i still have so many thoughts and questions and feelings and emotions flooding my mind and heart on a daily basis.  i still have a hard time being around other people, trying to act normal.  i still have to remind myself to breathe in, breathe out.  sometimes smiling and laughing feels wrong.  sometimes focusing on the task at hand proves impossible.  sometimes i write, write, write without really knowing what i'm trying to say.

to sum up: one month later, it still hurts. i miss Z more than ever, but trying to understand and find peace for my heart and mind.