please, hold your applause.

it's a well-known fact that i am a clapper when it comes to movies.  i clap for previews.  i clap before, during and after movies (some might be annoyed by this, but i like to think that i make the whole theater-going experience more enjoyable).

i went out tonight with friends to see the hunger games.  i devoured all 3 books in a matter of a couple of days over one christmas break, and while i have learned my lesson to not expect too much when it comes to movies adapted from popular novels, i was really looking forward to seeing how they did with this adaptation.

just during the previews, i clapped no less than three times (i nearly fell out my seat for the trailer for the avengers).  when the movie itself started, i'll admit i clapped a few times.  but then... no. more. clapping.

the books/movies can be summarized in one simple statement: children killing children.  i'm sorry, but i see no reason to clap for that.  over the course of the movie, whenever a tribute quickly and viciously dispatched a fellow tribute, the audience erupted into a raucous applause.  it made me sick.

the books themselves are graphic, but for some reason the violence isn't as offensive in print as it is on screen.  what made me even more uncomfortable was the fact that tween girls comprised half of the theater audience.  they had no idea what they were cheering for.

this past week i read a very interesting article about the movie.  the author's opinion is that "...there is one important aspect of the original novel that is almost entirely absent from the movie: the darkly funny way in which collins directly accuses the audience. as in, us. weirdly, by turning the book into such a fan-baiting crowdpleaser, the movie version of hunger games seems to oddly miss the point of its own source material."  i beg to differ.  by creating such a spectacle of the violence, resulting in approving applause from the audience, we have, in effect, been turned into the citizens of the capitol.  we are being manipulated into condoning the violence on screen, the same way the characters in the book derive so much entertainment from the games.

because the adolescent violence was so disturbing to me, i found it hard to actually enjoy the movie as a whole.  on some level it was a good movie, but... it was a little too much.  when the movie ended i felt weird and unsettled.  not exactly how i want to feel after spending $10 and 2.5 hours in a dark theater.

now, give me an epic battle of elves vs. orcs or a colosseum showdown or a cage fight between estranged brothers and i will clap till my hands bleed.  but i cannot clap for children killing children.

and on that note, i think i'll fall asleep to the dulcet sounds of middle earth... 

just the opposite, pt. 2

i started the day with tears in my eyes.  i'm ending the day with a smile on my face.

at church i work with the young women, ages 12-18.  tonight, i was asked to play chauffeur for a group of a young women (the laurels, ages 16-18), who were meeting at one building and needed to be driven to another building for a combined activity with other wards.

after the activity, we piled back into my truck (we might have had an additional passenger, making our number one more than the truck should comfortably seat... but i told the girls not to tell anyone or else i would be fired).  with 5 giggly girls in the truck (plus 1 giggly girl-at-heart driver), i rolled down the windows and turned up the volume.  the six of us preceded to sing at the top of our lungs...

"well, some nights i wish that this all would end, 'cause i could use some friends for a change
and some nights, i'm scared you'll forget me again, some nights, I always win, I always win
but i still wake up, i still see your ghost, oh lord, i'm still not sure what i stand for, oh
what do i stand for? what do i stand for? most nights, i don't know..."

and then we really got rockin' (while stopped at a stoplight, no less)...

"this is the part of me that you’re never gonna ever take away from me, no
this is the part of me that you’re never gonna ever take away from me, no

throw your sticks and your stones, throw your bombs and your blows, but you’re not gonna break my soul
this is the part of me that you’re never gonna ever take away from me, no"

nothing makes me more happy than a group sing-a-long, especially a group sing-a-long with teen girls.  they're the reason why i became a teacher.

thank you, thank you, thank you to such a special and fun group of girls.  love, love, love.

just the opposite

"were you laughing in your classroom this morning?"

"umm, no."

"what were you doing?  i could hear you all the way down the hall."

"i was doing just the opposite of laughing."

"what?  but why?"

"oh, you know..."

"oh. yeah."

some days i wonder why i even bother putting on makeup.  today was one of those days.

the waves of overwhelming sadness and pain still come and go.  this morning they came, fast and strong, and then passed almost as quickly, leaving me with a headache and without mascara.  the physical and emotional force of missing him never fails to surprise and, if i'm being honest, scare me.

it still hurts.  i'm still sad.  but i'm also still trying to find the happy.  better luck tomorrow, i hope.

3 POWs in an iPod

Hi.  My name is Katie.  And I love music.  Listen and love, too.

01.29.12 - Dramtic Irony

1. Hope, Less Than Three
2. Heartlines, Florence + the Machine
3. Crawling Back to You, Daughtry
4. Staring At It, SafetySuit
5. Concrete Wall, Zee Avi
6. Call Me Hopeless, But Not Romantic, Mayday Parade
7. Perfect, Boyce Avenue
8. How to Love, Lil Wayne
9. Fire, Ingrid Michaelson
10. Not Your Fault, AWOLNATION
11. Angel At My Door, Needtobreathe
12. What Doesn't Kill You (Stronger), Kelly Clarkson
13. Heartbeat, The Fray
14. I've Got This Friend, The Civil Wars
15. Not Like the Movies, Katy Perry
16. Skin & Bones, David J Roch
17. What I Know, Parachute
18. Ours, Taylor Swift
19. Runaway, The National
20. Steer, Missy Higgins
21. Gone Too Soon, Daughtry

02.23.12 - Recovery

1. The Lightning Strike, Snow Patrol
2. World Spins Madly On, The Weepies
3. When You Find Me, Joshua Radin
4. Lemonworld, The National
5. I Want You Back, The Civil Wars
6. The Romeo Song, Less Than Three
7. Love Love Love, Of Monsters and Men
8. Keep Your Eyes Open, Needtobreathe
9. All This and Heaven Too, Florence + the Machine
10. Shelter, Birdy
11. Paradise, Coldplay
12. Around My Head, Cage the Elephant
13. Beatrix Runs, Elizaveta
14. The General Specific, Band of Horses
15. Wake Up, Arcade Fire
16. Never Stop, SafetySuit
17. The Sun Will Rise, Kelly Clarkson
18. Nothing to Worry About, Peter Bjorn and John
19. We Are Young, Fun. feat. Janelle Monae
20. Promises (Skrillex & Nero Remix), Nero

03.22.12 - The Forever Storm

1. Part of Me, Katy Perry
2. Safe & Sound, Taylor Swift
3. Wild Ones, Flo Rida feat. Sia
4. Some Nights, Fun.
5. Skinny Love, Birdy
6. Little Talks, Of Monsters and Men
7. Hard "Good-Bye"s, Less Than Three
8. Too Close, Alex Clare
9. (Kissed You) Good Night, Gloriana
10. You Don't See Me, SafetySuit
11. Don't Let It Break Your Heart, Coldplay
12. C'est la mort, The Civil Wars
13. Drive All Night, Needtobreathe
14. Just a Game, Birdy
15. England, The National
16. Bedroom Hymns, Florence + the Machine
17. Personal, Stars
18. Changed, Rascal Flatts
19. Creep (Live), Ingrid Michaelson

Carrot Cake Cookie Sandwiches

This one's a keeper.  Enjoy!

Cookie Ingredients

1 c. packed light-brown sugar
1 c. granulated sugar
1/2 lb. (2 sticks) unsalted butter, room temperature
2 large eggs, room temperature
1 tsp. pure vanilla extract
2 c. all-purpose flour
1 tsp. baking soda
1 tsp. baking powder
1/4 tsp. salt
1-1/2 tsp. pumpkin pie spice
2 c. old-fashioned rolled oats
1-1/2 c. finely grated carrots, (about 3 large carrots)

Icing Ingredients
8 oz. cream cheese, room temperature
8 Tbs. (1 stick) unsalted butter, cut into pieces, room temperature
1 c. confectioners' sugar
1 tsp. pure vanilla extract

In a large bowl, sift together flour, baking soda, baking powder, salt, and pumpkin pie spice; stir to combine, set aside.  Combine sugars and butter; beat until light and fluffy, 3 to 4 minutes. Add eggs and vanilla, beat at medium speed until well combined.  Gradually add flour to butter mixture; mix on a low speed until just blended.

Mix in oats and carrots. Chill dough in refrigerator until firm, at least 1 hour.  Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Line two baking sheets with Silpat baking mats or parchment paper; set aside.

Using a 1/2-ounce ice-cream scoop, scoop dough onto prepared baking sheets, leaving 2 inches between cookies. Transfer to oven, and bake until browned and crisped, rotating pan halfway through baking to ensure even color, 12 to 15 minutes. Transfer to a wire rack to cool. 

To make icing, beat together cream cheese and butter until smooth.  Add confectioner's sugar and vanilla until combined.

Once cookies have cooled completely, spread cream-cheese filling onto a cookie. Sandwich together with a second cookie.  Repeat with remaining cookies. Store in an airtight container for up to 3 days in the refrigerator.

Original recipe found here.

correspondence 3

dear central market,
i have this secret desire to be able to walk into your cafe and say "the usual," and the person behind the counter will know that i want a veggie burger (no sprouts or pickles) and sweet potato fries.  a girl can dream, right?

dear central market flowers,

you make my heart happy.

dear texas blue skies,
you were so beautiful yesterday, and it looks like you are making a return appearance today.  please stay.  forever.

dear driver of the red truck who honked at me yesterday as i was running,
i'm flattered, really, but i think we both know i look absolutely ridiculous when i run.  give me a couple of months and then you'll really have something to honk at.

dear fringe,
i'm so glad you're back.  please never go away.

dear bailey baby,
i'm having trouble sleeping, what with you crawling all over me and sitting on my face.  please go away.

dear sleeping-in until 9am on a saturday,
i love you.

dear ms. perry,
still not sure how i feel about you (the blue hair, seriously?), but your new single is currently playing on repeat.  love it.

dear fun.,
i don't know how i feel about you, either, but your music sure does provide excellent running beats.  love it.

dear short hair,
i realize that i will probably be taking all of this back in about 2 months, but i've decided to grow you out. after looking at old family photos and the incredibly short (and awkward) hair i had in the late 80s, and then again in the late 90s, i think it's time to try something different.  please don't be mad at me.  more than likely, i'll see you again, soon.

dear z,
i finally mustered up the courage to run past your house yesterday.  for the past few months i've been purposefully avoiding my usual 3.5 mile loop to the elementary school and back because it takes me right past your house.  i used to love running that route, just for the casual glance down the street to see your truck in the driveway.  but now, your truck is gone, your family is gone, and so are you.  miss you, but i'm starting to move again.  and it feels good.

much love,

katie

cat attack

this happens.  every single night.

at first, it was adorable.  now, it's just annoying.

she won't. leave me. alone.

all she wants is attention.  and water from the faucet.

 

she's so needy.  and manipulative.  and irritating.

okay.  maybe she's a little bit adorable.

The Hole In My Heart

I started thinking this thought over in England, and I’ve found my mind circling back to it constantly during this past week. I share it now with the hope that these words will be able to help others who have suffered or are suffering the pain of losing a loved one. 

I seem to live my life in metaphors.  I think it’s because I’m a very visual learner: if I can physically see something, or at least be able to connect an abstract idea with a concrete mental image, I can better analyze it, better understand it, better make sense of it.

I have spent the past eleven weeks trying to analyze, understand and make sense of what happened.  I have also spent an overwhelming amount of mental and emotional energy trying to analyze, understand and make sense of how I – or anyone who has lost a loved one, for that matter – am supposed to move on from such a tragedy.  How am I supposed to understand and articulate the pain that accompanies death?  How am I supposed to respond to the daily inquiries of “How are you doing?”  I think the truly honest response of “I feel broken and dead inside, thank you, how are you?” would completely stun the inquirer into an awkward silence and end the conversation before it even had the chance to begin.

But seriously, how are you supposed to explain what it feels like to lose someone you love to someone who has never experienced it?  After many hours on a train (and then a plane, and then many sleepless nights since), this is the best way I can articulate my feelings of the past three months:

The moment the words came out of my parent's mouth, I felt something break inside of my chest.  A fissure opened up in my heart and created a hole, the size and depth of which I have never felt before.  Upon first inspection, this hole appeared to be filled with nothing but darkness, despair and devastation.  I lived in this hole for the first six weeks after Z’s death, and all I could see was blackness.  The sorrow that I felt was so frighteningly real.  The physical weight of missing him held me down for so long that I was afraid that I was going to take up permanent residence at the bottom of this abyss. 

After Z’s memorial service, my eyes started adjusting to the darkness and I could just make out scattered images all around me.  I soon realized that these half-obscured images contained all of the memories, reminders, words, feelings and emotions of our time together: the emails back and forth over the summer, the first time we met, trips to Wal-mart, an awkward favor (by the way, you still owe me $15, Z), our first hour and a half phone conversation, our first date (dinner and a concert downtown), more late-night telephone calls, unexpected texts, hummus and pickles and goat cheese, a lunchtime phone date, a lunch date in Afghanistan at the Waffle House in Grapevine at midnight, movie nights, more late-night telephone calls, a three and a half hour phone call from overseas, Thanksgiving road trip to Houston, talking at his house until 4 in the morning (on a school night!), more movie nights, talking at his house until 5 in the morning, game night with the family, New Year’s Eve/Really Early Morning, our last movie night; his smile, his eyes, his laugh, his unique way of looking at the world; his stories and experiences; his fears and struggles; his dreams and desires; his testimony and feelings…

Everything that I loved about him and our relationship could be found at the bottom of this hole.  The only problem was that all of the despair and devastation prevented me from seeing clearly all of the happiness around me.  Too impatient to wait for the darkness to fade completely away, I somehow managed to crawl out of the hole.  I thought I would be able to just ignore it, stepping over it or around it as I went about my day-to-day life. Another problem, though, was that the hole was not getting any smaller.  If anything, it was getting bigger.  Even if I could successfully avoid the hole for days at a time, eventually I would fall right back into it, falling down, down, down into suffocating darkness.

And falling into the hole always happens without warning, always surprises me with its rapid descent.  Even sitting by the edge of the hole, peering down its dizzying depths just for the chance to catch a glimpse of the happiness results in a tumble down, down, down into blackness.

The constant falling and subsequent climbing to the surface is exhausting. Not that I want to fill the hole and forget the happiness – it’s one of the only things I have left of him – I just want to stop falling in the first place.  I don’t want to feel the pain of despair anymore.  I want to create some sort of clear protective covering over the hole so that I can safely stand guard over the memory of him while the darkness dissipates.  And I don’t want a glass covering, because with enough pressure, glass will break and shatter.  I need the emotional equivalent of the material used for the Grand Canyon Skywalk.  Something solid and sturdy and strong.  Something a lot like Z, actually.   Once that covering is securely in place, and when the images are once again bright and clear, I will be able to think of this emptiness in my heart, not as a hole of despair and devastation, but as a well of hope and happiness.

Time.  I know it will take time.  Until then, though, I’m just going to have to watch my step.  And trust that He will catch me when I start to fall.

Miss you, Z. Love you always.

FSOTD: "The Lightning Strike" by Snow Patrol

It's storming in Dallas right now.  Storms always fill me with a sense of possibility, of the great potential for both creation and destruction.

I've been listening to this Snow Patrol song on a daily basis for the past month.  Made up of three separate songs, it is quite possibly the most perfect musical experience ever created.  The first part, What If This Storm Ends?, quite literally sounds like an on-coming storm.  The second part, The Sunlight Through the Flags, is the sound of the light rainfall after the storm passes.  And the third and final part, Daybreak, creates the sound of the sun rising in the morning.  The music, combined with the lyrics, makes for 16 minutes and 18 seconds of complete and total musical bliss.

I really can't get over the awesome power of this song to both stir up emotions in my heart and then calm them down a minute later.

Listen and love.  And enjoy the storm while it lasts.

(What If This Storm Ends?)

What if this storm ends, and I don't see you
As you are now, ever again?

The perfect halo, of gold hair and lightning
Sets you off against, the planet's last dance

Just for a minute, the silver forked sky
Lit you up like a star, that I will follow

Now it's found us, like I have found you
I don't want to run, just overwhelm me

What if this storm ends, and leaves us nothing
Except a memory, a distant echo?

I want pinned down, I want unsettled
Rattle cage after cage, until my blood boils

I want to see you, as you are now
Every single day, that I am living

Painted in flames, peeling thunder
Be the lightning in me, that strikes relentless

(The Sunlight Through the Flags)

From here the caravans are kids' toys
And I can hold them all in my palm
I watch the sea creep round the corner
It connects the dots from here to you

The sunlight burning through the loose flags
Painted high on white church walls
I chase my blood from brain to thumped heart
Until I'm out of breath for trying

Worry not, everything is sound
This is the safest place you've found
The only noise beating out is ours
Lacing our tea from honey jars

These accidents of faith and nature
They tend to stick in the spokes of you
But every now and then the trend bucks
And you're repaired by more than glue

Worry not, everything is sound
This is the safest place you've found
The only noise beating out is ours
Lacing our tea from honey jars

Why don't you rest your fragile bones?
A minute ago you looked alone
Stop waving your arms, you're safe and dry
Breathe in and drink up the winter sky

(Daybreak)

Slowly the day breaks apart in our hands
And soft hallelujahs flow in from the church
The one on the corner you said frightened you
It was too dark and too large to find your soul in

Something was bound to go right sometime today
All these broken pieces fit together to make a perfect picture of us

It got cold and then dark so suddenly and rained
It rained so hard the two of us were the only thing that we could see for miles and miles

And in the middle of the flood I felt my worth
When you held onto me like I was your little life raft
Please know that you were mine as well

Drops of water hit the ground like God's own tears
And spread out into shapes like salad bowls and basins and buckets for bailing out the flood

As motionless cars rust on driveways and curbs
You take off your raincoat and stretch out your arms
We both laugh out loud and surrender to it
The sheer force of sky and the cold magnet Earth

cheers, london.

thank you, mom and dad, for the redeemed christmas 2010 gift.  love you both.

thank you, london, for making spring break 2012 a smashing success.

hope our paths cross again, someday.  until then, cheers.

walk. walk. walk.

i've been walking entirely too much in the past six days.  good thing i will be spending about 10 hours on a plane traveling home tomorrow...

thursday: day-trip to oxford.  felt smarter the minute we stepped off the train. 

another night at the theater - gershwin's crazy for you.  so much fun.

friday: this morning, i took off on my own to explore the british museum... and then the victoria & albert museum.  loved both museums - history is fascinating - but i am officially exhausted from walking all over this fair country.

 

father flew into london this afternoon - he and mother will be staying in the uk, working and traveling, for a few more weeks.  tonight we went out for dinner to hakkasan - a super swanky, super delicious asian fusion restaurant.  perfect ending to a perfect week.

day-tripping.

london and her surrounding areas continue to surprise and delight.

tuesday: day trip to lyme park, house and garden (aka Pemberly from the BBC version of Pride and Prejudice).  absolutely amazing.  loved walking in the open country and breathing in the fresh air.  the five and a half centuries-old house and beautiful grounds transport you back a couple of centuries.  i half expected to turn the corner and find ms. austen herself, a wry smile on her lips, furiously writing away.

we enjoyed afternoon tea at the restaurant at the house.  i'm actually quite enjoying this whole tea thing...

 

as we waited at the station for our 2.5-hour train ride back to london to begin, the air turned rather chilly.

wednesday: this morning we took a train to lingfield - a town about 35 minutes outside of london - to attend a session at the lds temple.  it was delightful, as usual.  this now brings my international temple count to... 3.  note to self: must travel more.

tonight, les miserables.  all-time favorite musical. the current london cast is phenomenal. from the very beginning notes of the overture, i had tears in my eyes. basically cried throughout the entire play. it's just so gorgeous and brings back so many childhood memories. plus, it ends with this beautiful message: "to love another person is to see the face of god."