have you ever observed a child become so overwhelmed with one emotion and, without understanding what he is feeling or how to deal with it, he bursts into tears and just cries and cries and cries?
well, this has been me for the past two weeks. i just can't seem to stop crying. there is so much going on inside my head and heart that i don't understand and don't know how to deal with, so i just cry and cry and cry. i think i'm getting dehydrated.
tonight unexpected emotions caused the waterworks. a family at church has been very, very kind to me over the past few months - mainly in the form of delicious home-cooked meals, but more precious to me than food is their amazing example of Christ-like love and service. in the days immediately following Z's death, their home became a safe-haven for me. with so many memories and reminders of him at my house, i didn't want to be at home. so, i spent as much time as possible out of the house - which turned into spending the next several days and evenings at the home of this incredible family.
an invitation to come over for dinner tonight came via text as i sat physically and emotionally exhausted at my desk at school. i arrived earlier than agreed upon in order to help family members prepare the food and to feel like i was earning my spot at the table. dinner was fabulous, as usual. the conversation was comfortable and relaxing. i helped clear away plates and put away left-overs, thanked my lovely hosts and started down the front walk to my car. i hadn't even pulled away from the curb when that now all-too familiar feeling spread across my chest, accompanied by a tightening in the throat, a stinging in the eyes. and then the dam broke and the flood waters poured forth. cried and cried and cried. in addition to the constant feelings of sadness and pain were intense feelings of gratitude and humility.
as has been stated in previous posts, i am a fiercely independent person. it is extremely hard for me to admit when i'm struggling, so asking for and accepting help is not one of my strengths. but in the past two weeks, i have never felt so weak. and in my weakness, i have discovered new depths of humility. i have gained a new understanding of charity as the pure love of Christ.
i am grateful for the kindness of friends - all of them - who emulate the love of the Savior in their actions and words, those who "succor the weak, lift up the hands which hang down, and strengthen the feeble knees" (doctrine and covenants 81:5). my heart (and stomach) is full. thank you.